I recently completed a leadership coaching course led by Kate Leto. Quite early into the six-month programme, we were discussing the tough decisions leaders often face and how challenging it can be when these decisions affect the people we work with.
Having learned some hard lessons over the years, the best approach I've developed for maintaining healthy emotional boundaries, is what I call 'caring just enough'.
Caring just enough means acting with compassion without becoming emotionally entangled in the situation. This allows us to make necessary decisions while still supporting those impacted, without becoming emotionally drained or overwrought ourselves. This concept resonated deeply with my peers and became a continuous thread of discussion throughout our time together.
In leadership, we need to strike a delicate balance. Our primary role is to create an environment where our teams can thrive. This encompasses a huge range of activities, skills and behaviours, from coaching to providing direction, and much more besides. Sometimes we have to make tough calls, which might include letting people go or making decisions that directly impact people's jobs, careers and incomes. At other times, we may need to support individuals navigating difficult emotional or personal situations.
As a deeply empathetic person, I've historically found it challenging to strike this balance. I would often care so much that I'd go above and beyond, stepping in when it wasn't truly necessary. I'd think about my colleagues outside of work hours, becoming emotionally invested in their problems and getting embroiled when objectivity was needed.
Caring just enough is about finding a sustainable balance between dedication and personal wellbeing, acknowledging that giving too much can be detrimental to both ourselves and others.
#Key principles for Caring Just Enough
- Awareness: Understand your triggers and responses
- Boundaries: Establish clear emotional and professional boundaries
- Detachment: Learn to detach from outcomes that are outside your direct control
- Enablement: Focus on enabling others rather than doing it for them
- Sustainability: Prioritise your wellbeing to ensure your long-term effectiveness
#How to Care Just Enough
Begin with Self-Awareness
The starting point is self-awareness. Recognising personal triggers, emotional responses, and habitual patterns is crucial.
Historically, I've overextended myself, working excessive hours and often blurring the lines between work and personal time. I'd become mentally preoccupied with work outside of working hours, even dreaming about work-related problems.
For me, sleep disturbances are a clear sign of work-related stress impacting my wellbeing. Neglecting personal life is another indicator, leading to a lack of balance, fulfilment and even resentment.
I've worked on myself extensively over the years, developing a strong sense of self-awareness. Through therapy and professional coaching, I've learned about numerous tools, models and concepts that have equipped me in exploring who I am and the leader and person I aspire to be.
One of these concepts is the Five Emotional Drivers, as identified in Transactional Analysis by Taibi Kahler. The concept outlines, as humans we all align to a combination of the Five Emotional Drivers:
- Be Perfect
- Be Strong
- Hurry Up
- Try Hard
- Please Others
Our drivers can be beneficial, when used appropriately, but they can become problematic when they dominate behaviour, potentially creating stress and unhelpful patterns. How deeply we align to which of the drivers is influenced by many factors, including our formative years in childhood. Often, we develop strategies to cope or respond to situations, and over time our lives, situations, and even we change. Yet, we might find ourselves using old strategies to our detriment when they no longer serve us well.
I have a strong desire to try hard, and my deep empathy, while valuable, can become problematic when unbalanced. I would sometimes find myself driven by a need to fix situations, even when it wasn't my responsibility.
Recognising and addressing imbalances
Over-involvement
I've learned to avoid excessive involvement in tasks, allowing others to contribute and develop. At times, I ended up holding too much knowledge, becoming a dependency, especially in companies where good practices around working in the open weren't yet the norm.
As leaders, we must create space for others to step in, try things out, fail, and learn. We must ensure there's psychological safety for our people to grow. We need to hold back, even if they aren't doing it exactly the way we would.
Emotional entanglement
Managing people, especially those with complex challenges, requires clear emotional boundaries. In the past, I've taken on the emotional weight of others, leading to personal exhaustion.
If we're supporting people in emotionally complex situations, it's vital to get support ourselves. I've found one-off therapy sessions, support from peers and managers invaluable over the years. The key is asking for support when we need it, and often it's not about the other person providing solutions, but rather holding a space for us to process our thoughts and feelings.
External validation
Feedback has been invaluable in recognising and addressing these imbalances. I often hold myself to high standards, sometimes to my detriment, that's my perfectionist driver. A former manager once told me, "Your 80% is often other people's 100%." This was a significant realisation that I didn't need to strive for perfection at all costs.
Incorporating Agile and Lean principles into my personal approach and outlook, such as just-enough and just-in-time, has helped me prioritise and manage my energy. I've learned to show myself compassion when I need to, and manage my own self-care first, before trying to support others at my own expense.
A pivotal experience in setting emotional boundaries
Many years ago, I was managing someone with a complex mental health condition. This experience highlighted my need for stronger emotional boundaries. This person wasn't doing well in their role despite their best efforts, and I was supporting them to improve when ultimately the role wasn't right for them. It took nearly a year, exhausting me emotionally, for us to eventually agree that they should move on. They left and found a role much better suited to them; it was the best outcome for both them and the company.
I learned that if I had established stronger boundaries earlier and detached from the situation emotionally, I might have recognised that I couldn't fix the situation. We might have resolved it sooner, to everyone's benefit.
#Practical tools and techniques
Externalising thoughts
I send myself emails for work-related thoughts outside of working hours to 'park' them until the next workday. This simple act has significantly reduced my mental preoccupation with work during personal time, creating a healthier boundary between work and personal life.
Defining boundaries
Distinguishing between what is within my control and influence, and what's outside my scope, has been key. I'm now much better able to recognise 'my stuff' versus 'their stuff'.
This has helped me separate my emotional responses from the responsibilities of others. I am now able to support, without trying to fix. As a leader and coach, I focus on guiding and enabling, not doing it for them.
Creating conditions for success
Adopting the leadership philosophy that, as a leader, you're there to create the conditions for people to thrive and succeed, has shifted my perspective. This reframing has allowed me to detach from the 'doing' part and focus on empowering others.
#Key principles for Caring Just Enough
- Awareness: Understand your triggers and responses
- Boundaries: Establish clear emotional and professional boundaries
- Detachment: Learn to detach from outcomes that are outside your direct control
- Enablement: Focus on enabling others rather than doing it for them
- Sustainability: Prioritise your wellbeing to ensure your long-term effectiveness
#In conclusion
Caring just enough is not about being indifferent; it's about being effective and sustainable. By developing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and focusing on enablement, we can create a healthier and more productive work environment for ourselves and our colleagues.
It's important to emphasise that these tactics take practice. Adapting my behaviour and thought patterns has been a gradual process, evolving over years. This is not an overnight transformation, but a continuous journey of self-improvement and balance.
If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear about your experiences and the tools you'd like to share. Always be learning.
